RESENTENCING STATEMENT
I appreciate the opportunity to make this statement.
On August 20th, 1989, I killed my mom and my dad. I make no excuses and I offer no justification.
I take full responsibility for my choices and for the person I was when I made those choices:
- The choice to confront my dad about the abuse.
- The choice to keep the family secrets instead of asking for help.
- The choice to stay instead of leave.
- The choice to buy guns and ammunition.
- The choice to point guns at my parents and shoot them in their own home.
- The choice to reload and return to the den and run up to my mother on the floor and shoot her again.
- The choice to run and lie and hide and do anything I could to get away with these terrible crimes.
- The choice to make a mockery of the criminal legal system by suborning perjury.
I have spent many years facing what I did and trying to understand who I was and why I made this horrific choice.
Again, I offer no excuse or justification. I do not blame my parents.
But I now understand that I was a twenty-one year old who believed I could fix what could not be fixed. I was immature, impulsive, distrusting, emotionally isolated, and in a codependent relationship with my little brother with whom I shared a traumatic bond. I bottled up my emotions and anger. I carried a deep shame that I hid from everyone. That shame kept me emotionally isolated and I distrusted everyone and everything.
I had always relied on my father to solve the big problems in my life. I was suddenly on my own and reeling. My choice to buy guns that Friday did not come from logic or reason. I was scared, but I was also filled with rage.
I am so sorry that I did not ask for help. I should have trusted someone: a relative, the police or even Father Ken, a parish priest, who had been a source of comfort for me in the past.
Had I sought help earlier in the week when the crisis began, I would not have bought a gun. Had I had the coping skills to process my emotions, had I taken more time to consider options, had I trusted others to help; had I made different choices, I would not have committed these crimes.
Even after I killed my father, his voice was still in my head.
More than I ever, I believed I owed it to him to protect the family image and keep the family secrets. I carried a deep shame. I clung to the belief that no one would believe my brother and I about the sexual abuse. I had no respect for institutions and societal norms. Without my father to solve this crisis, I was floundering and desperate. I could not accept the consequences of my actions. I felt responsible for the situation we were in, and I acted out in inexcusable ways. I am sorry for it, and for putting people in that position simply because I didn’t want to face my own reality.
Today, 35 years later, I am deeply ashamed of who I was sitting in that jail. I am thankful for Fr. Ken Deasy who worked with me for almost two years to find the courage to speak publicly about the family secrets. He taught me to let go of expectations, the need to control results, and helped me begin to release the burden of shame. I am grateful to him.
In 1996, I was faced with a daunting and seemingly hopeless journey. Life without the possibility of parole. I knew I deserved the suffering to come. I also knew I needed to grow up, to heal, to mature and to change. I struggled, especially in the beginning, and I am sorry for the mistakes that I made, but eventually I chose to live a life of personal growth, education, and service to others. I wanted to be part of the solution instead of the problem. I did it because it felt right for who I was and who I wanted to be. I did it because it gave the remorse that consumed me purpose. With growth and service came understanding and change. I made a promise early on that I would never again use violence to solve the problem, even to defend myself. I suffered through physical attacks. However, I do not regret that promise to myself. I am stronger because of it.
I have worked hard to be a better person.
I have taken on roles in inmate government, learning to help others solve problems, and in doing so, I began to develop greater self-worth and compassion. I have participated in self-help groups and engaged with facilitators who help me understand my character defects.
I have come to trust others, including authority figures. I have built strong, healthy relationships with correctional staff, therapists and fellow inmates. I have learned to access professionals for support, and I have experienced how transformative that trust can be. I have learned how to process anger instead of burying it.
I have learned to ask for help when I need it.
I am grateful for the opportunity to be considered for resentencing and all that that means for my brother, my family, and myself. The impact of my violent actions on my family, whom I have the deepest love for, is unfathomable. They have cried with me and expressed their suffering.
I am so sorry to each and every one of you, and I am grateful for your love and forgiveness. I caused you shock and grief and unspeakable loss. I lied to you and forced you into a spotlight of public humiliation that you never asked for. And yet you are here showing me mercy despite all that I have taken from you.
I try to live a life now that I hope offers some amends for the harm I have caused. I am grateful also for the support of so many in the community who have shared their own painful stories with me and who have sent their prayers. Some of the strength to get through these years has come from that deep well.
If afforded an opportunity for another chapter of life beyond the prison walls, I plan to continue working with the sex abuse survivor community to spread awareness.
I also plan to continue to serve the incarcerated population through community building to change the culture of corrections.
I look forward to being able to reunite with my extended family and continuing the journey of healing that has sustained me through my incarceration.
My appreciation again to the court for its consideration and the opportunity to make a statement.
Website by Dennis Wilen, WEBMASTER
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